Something is bugging me!

Something is bugging me. I thought I had moved past all the stuff related to my relationship ending and yet there has always been this one niggly little thing in the back of my mind. Let’s see if I can get it out in a way that makes sense.

It all started when we first went to the family court. My ex stated to the court that our daughter was an unplanned mistake. My jaw almost hit the floor.

Not only did we decide to have a child but we actually had several discussions before attempting to make one. I was not keen to begin with. I always wanted a daughter and yet I really wanted to wait until we were married. However for a whole bunch of reasons that made sense at the time I eventually agreed and so we go down to the business of making a baby. After several angst filled weeks of home pregnancy tests and hoping, we discovered that she was pregnant. I must confess, at the time I was less than excited and yet the more I thought about it the more I looked forward to being a dad.

The first scan changed my world. From the moment I saw that wee baby on the screen I was in love. It was the catalyst that kick started my father heart. Nothing has changed. I am still in love and anyone who is a parent can tell you what that means. My daughter (Lucy) slept on my chest one afternoon recently and I was so happy it bought a tear to my masculine eye. I felt like my world was perfect for that short time. Here we were surrounded by family and my wee daughter slept on her daddy’s chest with complete security and awoke happy and ready to eat anything that crossed her path. Truer bliss than this is hard to imagine.

My ex’s denial before the court has had an ongoing affect on me and on our relationship as parents. I do not let my daughter stay overnight at my house because I am scared her mother will make up stories about me and cause trouble.

I struggle to be alone with Lucy at my house and we generally spend our time together in the company of others. If a woman can lie so coldly about her own child, what lengths will she go to, to disrupt the life with spurious stories and other lawyer sponsored ‘protections’ the person she supposedly loved enough to make a baby with?

When a person tells a lie it most often is not obvious what effect it will have further down the path of life and yet this lie has damaged (permanently I believe) the relationship that being parents causes us to have and more importantly the relationship that I would have with our daughter.

I am not entirely sure how we can overcome this hurdle and yet I’m reminded frequently of what is missing when I see my daughter. That is the true intimacy of a parent and their child and it is my belief that I cannot have that until such time as Lucy and I can spend quality time alone together in order to allow the father daughter bond to truly grow. I love my daughter and yet I am limited to having an uncle type relationship with her one day a week. I only get to experience the good part of a relationship because she is always really happy to see me and even though this seems perfect (it almost is) I still crave true family with this beautiful little girl.

Even being able to force her mum to almost admit she lied on our last day in court has not repaired the damage cause by that one statement. "Our daughter was an unplanned mistake"

Our daughter was perhaps a mistake outside of marriage but she certainly was planned.