Something is bugging me. I thought I had moved past all the stuff related to my relationship ending and yet there has always been this one niggly little thing in the back of my mind. Let’s see if I can get it out in a way that makes sense.
It all started when we first went to the family court. My ex stated to the court that our daughter was an unplanned mistake. My jaw almost hit the floor.
Not only did we decide to have a child but we actually had several discussions before attempting to make one. I was not keen to begin with. I always wanted a daughter and yet I really wanted to wait until we were married. However for a whole bunch of reasons that made sense at the time I eventually agreed and so we go down to the business of making a baby. After several angst filled weeks of home pregnancy tests and hoping, we discovered that she was pregnant. I must confess, at the time I was less than excited and yet the more I thought about it the more I looked forward to being a dad.
The first scan changed my world. From the moment I saw that wee baby on the screen I was in love. It was the catalyst that kick started my father heart. Nothing has changed. I am still in love and anyone who is a parent can tell you what that means. My daughter (Lucy) slept on my chest one afternoon recently and I was so happy it bought a tear to my masculine eye. I felt like my world was perfect for that short time. Here we were surrounded by family and my wee daughter slept on her daddy’s chest with complete security and awoke happy and ready to eat anything that crossed her path. Truer bliss than this is hard to imagine.
My ex’s denial before the court has had an ongoing affect on me and on our relationship as parents. I do not let my daughter stay overnight at my house because I am scared her mother will make up stories about me and cause trouble.
I struggle to be alone with Lucy at my house and we generally spend our time together in the company of others. If a woman can lie so coldly about her own child, what lengths will she go to, to disrupt the life with spurious stories and other lawyer sponsored ‘protections’ the person she supposedly loved enough to make a baby with?
When a person tells a lie it most often is not obvious what effect it will have further down the path of life and yet this lie has damaged (permanently I believe) the relationship that being parents causes us to have and more importantly the relationship that I would have with our daughter.
I am not entirely sure how we can overcome this hurdle and yet I’m reminded frequently of what is missing when I see my daughter. That is the true intimacy of a parent and their child and it is my belief that I cannot have that until such time as Lucy and I can spend quality time alone together in order to allow the father daughter bond to truly grow. I love my daughter and yet I am limited to having an uncle type relationship with her one day a week. I only get to experience the good part of a relationship because she is always really happy to see me and even though this seems perfect (it almost is) I still crave true family with this beautiful little girl.
Even being able to force her mum to almost admit she lied on our last day in court has not repaired the damage cause by that one statement. "Our daughter was an unplanned mistake"
Our daughter was perhaps a mistake outside of marriage but she certainly was planned.
Just another Tuesday
2 weeks ago
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3 comments:
Hey, I'm sending you a really really really big hug. We love you and right now I'm trying not to cry with you.
That one comment- clearly meant to negate your role as father to this little girl - has left its mark. But you know the truth of it, the truth that have in your heart and the love you have for her- those are the things that will bond the two of you together. You will always be her father, hold on to that. You have time on your side to form that bond. And her joy at being with you is a truth too - a childs instinct for knowing they are loved and safe, even when they can't express it or understand it is undeniable. Hugs xx
Thats why they have movies made such as 'Mrs doubtfire'. Our wives are NOT blood with us, but our children ARE. When the marriage ends the blood tie was never there, but with the kids it is there for life.
The Bible commands husbands to love there wives, thats because it does NOT come naturally: the inloveness wears off, and then the committment has to kick in (sometimes in turbo mode). But love for our kids comes naturally (for most of us that is... sigh) and therefore, the bible does NOT have to command us to do that, just not to exasperate our kids.
So, in our VERY 'if it feels good do it' and dysfunctional western culture we are seeing families split apart, marriage often not even entering into the picture before the children arrive and most times never. Poor kids! The most secure thing a kid can have is a committed dad and mum - and marriage is the biblical way to show committment, like baptism in salvation or a contract in a business deal, sort of. It is not surprising then in each successive generation the kids seem to be more messed up.
Now before I am accused of pointing fingers, I am struggling supremely with my marriage. Yes, our kids came after marriage, in fact, all sex came after marriage, and for that I am very thankful. BUTT - 21 years later we are NOT close or communicative, struggling with our own baggage. So far we have stuck together, trusting God to heal things, since he prefers that we stick it out. We both have many many times thought of separation, but do not act upon our thoughts. We both are not happy but slowly trying to learn to be happy in God, tho I really long for an intimate relationship with my wife, which is what should have been (and my thoughts often take me where I should'nt go!).
So it never is easy with situations that you are finding yourself in, but then it ain't what was originally designed, so we just gotta make do and suffer a myriad of adverse consequences. In my case even tho I am theoretically going along with the 'original design' it still is like hell at times. LOL. I have no idea what our marriage will look like in a year, 5 years, 20 years. I like to think that our sticking it out was worth it a 100 fold, but if it had been up to me and my really my selfish desires, I would have been long gone by now... sigh... Hope is not wishing, hope is knowing its coming but not seeing it yet, tied very closely with faith: o me of little faith. How many crutches I have acquired during this battle! Now most have been tossed, but one or two remain. Help, Lord!!!
The short of it FOR ME is: (firstly) the Lord DOES work miracles and DOES want a husband and wife to get along and enjoy each other, working as a team; AND (secondly) life is sooo short so all suffering is NOT forever, then comes true life. Yay!!
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